you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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