What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
