we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
