you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
