how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
