I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
PANTIES FOUND
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize