it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Operation Purity has been aborted
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
