Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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