I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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