I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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