just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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