I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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