chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
