I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Your cock deserves a montage
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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