Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
