Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
