My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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