Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
