I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
