Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
