god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Duck Duck Cougar?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
