My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
