How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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