12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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