drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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