in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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