please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just tell him i said nine months
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
