At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
