I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
