you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
