i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
