Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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