everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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