dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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