What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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