There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
