God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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