Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wish my penis had a tongue
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
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