Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
