Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
