no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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