i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
