Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
