I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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