It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
