He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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