when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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