wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
