Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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