I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize