I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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