Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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