There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
