I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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