Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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